gone

This last month has just been so…I don’t even know.

I feel like I’m treading water until things feel completely normal again.  I don’t know that they ever really will be.
Losing the baby has been so difficult.  While I don’t feel crippled by my grief as I did in the first few days, I’m understandably upset.  I can’t stop thinking about what could have been.
I see someone pregnant and think, “My baby would have been 2 months younger than hers.”
I think a lot about what it would be like to be pregnant and feel secure about it.  I’ll never have the feeling like everything is going turn out well again.  I hate that this puts a limit on how much happiness I’ll be able to feel next time.
I wanted this baby so much and now it’s gone.  No reason.  Just gone.
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One Response to gone

  1. Jamie says:

    You put into words so well what so many women who lose babies feel. You never do forget about your baby and while the grief can lessen at times at other times it is almost crippling. It is hard not knowing why it happened and you’re right its so hard to see other pregnant women (or even babies). It’s hard…so hard. You’ve been on my mind a lot and I’m glad you let us know how you’re doing!

    My ‘baby’s’ birthday is Sunday. I wish I were down there to ‘celebrate’ him at his grave. I’m sure this weekend will be difficult. Even though I have a new baby that I rejoice in I often think of Malachi and how our lives would be so different if he were here.

    Also, some women plant trees or do something to celebrate the life that they had growing in them. It’s hard for us to do something like that being military, but there are little ‘memorial’ type of things you could do.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers! Sorry for such a long comment!

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